here’s how I know.

that my baby isn’t so much a baby anymore, and that she’s closer to the “kid” side of the spectrum. we applied, and were accepted to the International School of Charlottesville, http://theisc.org/ an amazing foreign language (spanish for us) immersion school for toddlers through preschool and then kindergarten. This is extra special for us because we want Tessa to learn Italian at some point, and judging by how my spanish (though pretty dusty) got me by pretty well in Italy, due to the vast similarities, this seems like a pretty awesome way to go. It’s a structured program, which is OK by me.. kids thrive with structure and boundaries, and foreign language at such an early age gives the mind a new kind of elasticity.

I’m so excited. And kind of sad! The first day of school? Holy crap. How did this time move so quickly?

Which makes me think, with time going by so fast, have I spent enough time making my life as fulfilling as possible, pushing to be better, stronger, more thoughtful; a kinder person, a better mother, a better wife-to-be? Sometimes I feel like I closed my eyes and life happened… But not so, no, not these couple of years past. I think I’ve never been so proactive. And I am so excited for what’s to come. There is SO much on the horizon.

In the next three months, I will graduate school and become a nurse, I will be married and become a wife. I’ll have a newly renovated house, a child in pre-school, a job, a LIFE. It’s been a long time coming. But I finally feel like I’ve grown up. I finally feel really, truly,  proud of myself and my accomplishments. I fought a battle and won! It was a good fight, tough but good. Now, I’m not quite there yet, but it’s inevitable. Thirty some days left of school.

These wonderful things that are happening to me! And for the first time, I know I deserve it, because I myself worked for them. It’s a huge transition, going from college student cared and supported by parents, to mother, to adult… fully responsible for everything I do. But it is so much more fulfilling.  I can’t wait. I am so excited that life is happening to me. It’s good things from here on out… so good.

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I don’t even know what to title this nonsense rambling thought-puke of a post.

not very pleased with life right now. sometimes it doesn’t matter that you put mind over matter. sometimes being mature and together just isn’t enough, and life just hands you that big ol’ bag of lemons anyway. it’s midterms week and I need to study, but instead, I have other personal crap on my mind. how do you ignore it and make it go away? how do you just make it crawl back into its hole where it came from and F off?

i need some silence. i need some peace and a fresh start.

hey, baby

so we’re going to throw this post in a different direction… amidst all the craziness there is a lot of planning going on. well, that much is obvious, but in particular, future planning… wedding.. house….. family planning. As in, the “family planning aisle” in CVS. And by that, I don’t mean the condoms section.

NO, I’m not pregnant. I’m just saying we’ve been talking about it. Well, I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and talking about it some, and Alessandro has thrown a bit of an agreement in the mix. That is that once I start working, we can start making. A baby. Making a baby, yes. So I BETTER get a job, damnit! Because I have been dreaming, planning, and thinking about babies for a while now, mostly since my baby is becoming less of one.

I love A Baby Story on TLC… but it’s not helping the situation. But in all my thinking, I realized that the first baby is really the one that needs the planning. It’s the one that changes EVERYTHING, right? It’s the curveball. It makes or breaks your relationship. It transforms you from woman to mama, from sexy, sexual, free, fun, spontaneous, to leaking breasted, diaperbag armed, spitup/sticky finger stained, list-making, plan-oriented, saggy-bodied MOM. And after that transformation, what does one more baby really do? Your life is already F’d (in the best, best possible way, I swear I do mean that and love motherhood to the moon and back) you are already dirt poor and broke trying to save up for PRESCHOOL, tired and dark circles under your eyes. Your sex life is hanging out at the end of the driveway waiting for the garbage men to come. Your toddler is taking a nap and you have a choice: a) chase down that sex life and bring it home, or b) bite the bullet and get down to some non-sexy baby making. I’m not sure that c) chase down that sex life, bring it home, and have some hot, dirty baby-making sessions- exists- if it does, i’d love to know about it..

Point being, we are where we are, and yet there is all this planning… Maybe we’re doing it because we didn’t get to the first time. Maybe this is our way of taking the reins in our life for once; maybe we’ve finally grown up. Either way, if I’m lucky, I might get to be a mama X 2. If not, I’m still a lucky mama X 1.

burning out

It’s happening again. I’m coming to that inevitable point in the quarter where I wonder how I can keep it together. This has happened.. and I’ve gotten through it. But this time we’re only in week 4 and I’m there already.

I have some 100 days until the wedding. We still don’t have the rehearsal cocktail party booked, caterer menu still isn’t solid, every god damned wedding photographer in town is booked, and more, and more…

We have so much busy work this quarter. Papers, check-outs, exams, quizzes, more papers, online assignments, etc. Half our classes are bullshit and I feel like I’m learning nothing. Plus I have to work on applying and interviewing for jobs. AND pre-schools.  And coming up is the comprehensive HESI and thennnn the NCLEX. F me.

I feel like I do nothing fun with Tessa. She spends all day with the babysitter, and on my days off, I want to do absolutely nothing, or I have a million errands to run with her that I don’t have time to do otherwise. No quality time. No fun classes or activities. Nothing enriching. It makes me feel like complete shit. Neglectful. And the poor dog… closed up all day with the babysitter who probably ignores him.

I know I’m bitching. But I am so sad. I f-ing hate leaving my baby girl every morning; my baby who is turning into a little girl before my eyes.. and not before my eyes, before someone else’s.  I have a serious case of senioritis. I can hardly take this. If I had another quarter, I might not be able to do this. The only thing keeping me going is the magic number- 8 weeks left. 8. 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 .. it’s a pretty number, isn’t it? Round and round and round again, like my mind… from school to child to jobs to family to school to child to jobs… and back again.

What am I doing? I’m getting married?? WHAT? I’m just a child. Someone should be yelling at me to stop being silly, you’re too young to get married, have a family.. playing house! Be serious here. What happened while I closed my eyes? Life happened. All of a sudden I’m a mother. And soon, a wife. Wife. What? Whose wife? That word brings to mind a woman, one who has her shit together and knows what she is doing, knows the right decisions, doesn’t lose it over the small stuff, goes to work and comes home and pays the bills, does the dishes, makes dinner, makes everyone happy, and goes to bed knowing the family is well. That’s not me. Hardly. When will I get there? I’m going on my 8th (there it is again) year of college. For god’s sake, Kate, get it together. But at the end of the day, I want to hug my baby and fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. To let it all fall away for a while. I don’t want to apply for jobs and pre-schools, to study, do homework, email countless wedding photographers, write essays… I want to be with my family. Be calm.

But that’s not all there is, no, I’m not just a miserable person. I’m really not miserable. Staying busy keeps me intense, focused. I don’t know life without chaos. I don’t know what I would do. No, I come home to my clean happy house where my baby and my dog give me the best greeting anyone could ask for, kisses, kisses.. baby kisses are the best. Just indescribable. Everything is in its place. I have my planner, my lists, telling me what to do next. They are filled. Absolutely filled to the brim. And that’s okay.. because that means I have a life. Not just A life.. i have life. The daily nonsense, the bullshit.. the buying toilet paper and taking diapers out to the trash, picking up dog poop, putting dishes away, folding tiny baby girl clothes, reading about nursing… behind all of that is meaning: I have a child that I must care for. I have an important education. I have a family. I have a wonderful fiance who supports me and our daughter. That is life, filled with the brilliant and the mundane, the obnoxious and the heartwrenchingly sweet, the warm wonderful and the painstaking. The cards we’re dealt, the path, the fate, whatever you call it. It’s good.

It’s been so long

I swear I’m not gone, even though I haven’t written in over a month. I’ve probably lost some readers, but I don’t think I had too many to begin with so… bummer.

These are the things going on right now:

School. Final quarter, tons of work, tons of tests. Even more studying.

Applying for jobs.

Applying for pre-schools. (yeah. really.)

Planning a wedding.

Having a long distance relationship. (I’m getting married in just over one hundred days. Oh my god..)

Raising a Super-Toddler. And by this I mean she is like a toddler times 1000000. Wild child. To the max.

I guess what happened is that I needed to take a long break from this because with all of my other responsibilities and obligations, I needed to drop one out of my basket.. you know, create some balance. And I love writing here. I need to- it’s a great release. A way to make sense of my life. So I’m back, and I’m ready to write again.

 

How time flies, part 2

This time of the year is particularly important to me and makes me quite a bit sentimental and sappy, which is rather unusual for me (HA.) So, being excessively cheesy, I’ve been wanting to do a little walk down memory lane. Hence this post.

(Probably) exactly one month and two years ago, I got pregnant, knocked up, with child, in the “family way” etc etc however you want to think of it. I think of it as The Day.  This is us, that week, vacationing in Maine, about to become parents. (possibly that night? or every other night that week? we drank quite a bit on that trip…) too much information? sorry. just memories 😉

Around this time (November 4, 2008, election day to be exact), two years ago, I found out I was pregnant. Pregnant. The day President Obama was elected, and the day I took 7 pregnancy tests to confirm the fact, and the day my life changed in ways I could never have imagined. It was an amazing, incredible day– I went to sleep at 2:30 after peeing on 3 sticks, woke up at 5:45, peed on 4 more sticks, called Alessandro, told him the news, went and voted, went to work, watched the results of the election, and joyful, surprised, terrified, overwhelmed, exhausted, unsure, and obviously emotional, went to bed.

Four months later,

Three months later,

One month later,

Two weeks later

Then, this time last year:

and the crib photo which may help explain my feelings in Part 1:

And now, my daughter, a toddler, on the brink of becoming a kid. New words, opinions, ideas, and skills, every day. I’m impressed. I’m impressed by how far we’ve come, how much she has become, how fulfilling it all is. How incredible parenting really is. This little girl continues to amaze:

How time flies, part 1

It’s slowly dawning on me that my baby is barely a baby anymore, that “just yesterday” is so much longer ago than I’d like to think, or than I feel… I see her every day, so she seems the same; I still see her with the same eyes that looked upon her as a newborn, as an infant, and now a toddler. But when I went in to wake her up from her (too) long nap today, something I rarely do, I had the gift of momentarily watching her sleep, and then awaken.. It was just one of those moments, hard to describe, that squeezed my heart and blew my mind at the same time. She’s getting so big. She’s such a person. Almost a kid. How did that happen so fast?

Then,