sick

i took her rectal temp and she likely thought i abused her.
i spent 50 on an ear thermometer and she hates me even more.
the last two days have been the toughest that the little girl and i have been through together, excluding the time i forcefully (meanly) pushed her out of her warm cozy sac and into the cold, mean world. the only way I can compare this would be in saying it’s like she’s a teenager and we’re fighting over anything and everything.
we are weak, exhausted. the week started off well enough; I had 5 amazing interviews at UVA that resulted in 5 equally amazing job offers. i’ve spent the week trying to decide. this is my future! my FIRST CAREER! holy shit.
and then we got sick. tessa started puking the day after. i came home early, and (then didnt puke) but havent been able to eat since. she won’t eat. I can’t eat. she won’t drink. well, on her own terms. it could be worse. but the fighting! i keep trying to get her to eat, drink, nothing. she throws it. across the room. asks for a banana and then screams when I give it to her. but more. it’s not worth the blow by blow. i’m exhausted, she is. my back hurts from clinical, i’m exhausted from this cold or whatever it is.
I barely made it to clinical today, and when I came home, Charlie barked his little pain in the ass off and woke her up. I had been DREAMING about a nap after clinical, and there it was, gone. and i lost it. the house, a wreck. no time to study. no time to clean. no clean clothes. emails unanswered. wedding planning unfinished. obligations unfulfilled.
a screaming baby (neighbors, there is no abuse going on here, i promise) a crying mama, a dog shrinking away. it’s getting to be too much. i’ve been doing this for 11 months. i can’t give up now, but i want to. I’m so, so ready for my life back. it’s been so, so hard- like a summer camp where you can’t call home and the rules suck ass. i want to go home. i want to talk on the phone with my friends like i used to. i want to have obligations like normal people do, not like we do. i want to be done. that’s all.

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